Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Hubby : Yes,I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
______________________________________________________________________

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
troubles.

Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

______________________________________________________________________

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

______________________________________________________________________

Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of
the night?"

Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."

Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?!"

Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

______________________________________________________________________

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

______________________________________________________________________

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
______________________________________________________________________

Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?"

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

______________________________________________________________________

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

________________________________________________________________________

A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?

He replied: Depends, if I can find a phone.

Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?

Wife replied: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!
______________________________________________________________________

Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S.?

Answer: Because people started licking the wrong side.

______________________________________________________________________

A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humor.
______________________________________________________________________

Doctor to his lady patient: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?

Lady replied: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big Bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster, Roller Coaster, everything there was!

Five hour later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being six again??
Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed.

I meant my dress size, you idiot!

The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .


On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.


The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.


The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.


"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.


"Oh, mercy me!"she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorg eous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.


Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)

(1)You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. (Alan, age 10)

(2)No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. (Kristen, age 10)

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1)Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
(Camille, age 10)

(2)No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
(Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age))

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
(Derrick, age 8)

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
(Lori, age 8)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
(Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure))

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
(Martin,age 10)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
(Craig, age 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(9) When they're rich.
(Pam, age 7)

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that
(Curt, age 7)

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
(Howard,age 8)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
(Theodore, age 8)

(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
(Anita, age 9 (bless you child))

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
(Kelvin, age 8)

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
(Ricky, age 10)

M :"Are you an Interior Decorator?"
W: "No. Why?"
M: "When I saw you enter, the room became beautiful"

-----------------------------------------------------
M:"Are you religious?"
W:"Yes "
M:"Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers."

--------------------------------------------------
M:"Baby, did you fart, Cause you blow me away..."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
M:"How is your fever?"
W:"What Fever?"
M:"Oh..you just look so hot to me..."

----------------------------------------
M:"Wow! I didn't know that angels could fly so low!"

------------------------------------------------------
M:"Can I get a picture of you to prove to my friends
That angels
do really exist."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
M:"Wow! How did you do that???!!!"
W:"Do what?"
M:"Look so good..."

-----------------------------------
M:"Hey, I lost my phone number...can I have yours?"

----------------------------------------------------
M:"Hey Laura!! (Big Hug), I haven't seen you
FOREVER!!!! (Huge KISS)
Wow, you've really have changed!!!
W:"Wait, I'm not Laura.."
M:"What? Omygod, You even changed your name!!!
--------------------------------------------------

I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."

The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.

"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"

"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.

Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."

Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very resistant to the idea.

"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation.

After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.

"You want to die?" asks the doctor.

"But... how do I pee?"

"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."

So the patient has his penis removed. A short while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again.

He is very angry.

"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"

"What?"

"The plastic pipe turned blue. Can you tell me what the hell is happening??"

The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says,

"Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the dye from your jeans?